Thoughts of mortality

There were times when my thoughts turned to my own mortality. I had always been afraid of dying as the thought seems completely anathema to the concept of life. As I grew older and as my life turned sour and totally unliveable, my thoughts turned to death. I figured that I could prepare for my next life in the remaining months or years that I would be allowed to exist. This is a stupid thought but I had this and considered it a valid plan of action. When it becomes personal then all philosophy goes out the window and emotions and feelings take over. I did not really want to die, I just thought that death was surely a better alternative to the life that I was living. Nothing could be more absurd as I was soon to realize. Maybe I was just tying to scare the universe into giving me a better deal.

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If this life was so lousy, what assurances were there that the next would be better? None. There is a reason why this life is crappy and I should find out and try to live as best I can under my present circumstances. I should not complain and waste my time whining. I realize that thoughts of death are not really so uplifting after all. The Indians talk dying and waiting to die and this might be fine for them but for me, I would rather die with my boots on. There is no success in waiting for failure in the next life.

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